There's a lot of talk (okay, usually arguing and whining) about whether particular technologies are "enterprise-ready". Most programmers who favor stodgy technologies like Java and Oracle crow about "enterprise-ready" in terms of supporting thousands of concurrent users (i.e. scalability), but usually fail to make a real case when it comes to showing where competing products fall short. On the other side, fans of newer languages and frameworks (especially Web 2.0-ish stuff) like to disparage the term as meaning "expensive and hard to integrate".

Wikipedia defines it as... oh wait. It doesn't. Apparently even the venerable Wikipedia is afraid to weigh in on the matter. Probably out of fear that the constant stream of competing edits would demonstrate that Wikipedia isn't enterprise-ready.

So which is the real definition of "enterprise-ready"?

None of the above. I hereby define "enterprise-ready" to mean it's ready for the Enterprise. The USS Enterprise. When someone asks if a product is "enterprise-ready", what they really want to know is would James T. Kirk entrust his crew to it?

With this in mind, let's review a few popular technologies that often have this question leveled at them:

1. Ruby on Rails The Enterprise is under attack by Klingons. Kirk orders shields up and fire photon torpedoes. Scotty replies "we cannot process more than one request at a time, sir!". Verdict: Not ready.
2. Java The Enterprise still isn't built and Klingons have overrun the galaxy. Meanwhile there's plans on the board for Java Next Generation which will address these issues. Meanwhile everyone switches to .NET. Verdict: Not ready.
3. PHP A 14-year-old school student does a SQL injection attack on Starfleet's payroll system, forcing most of the crew out of work and Kirk to take a job shilling cheaper hotel rates. Verdict: Not ready, but eerily familiar.
4. Python Every single member of the crew writes their own framework to support the Enterprise. Before any of them are fully documented or complete, they are labeled "deprecated" as the authors start on new, cooler versions that never materialize. They also write some cool metaclasses that no one else can use. Meanwhile the Romulans install Ruby on Rails and very, very, very slowly, destroy the Starfleet ships, one at a time. Verdict: Not ready.
5. Linux The warp drive system lacks a driver and the vendor won't release specs. The developers argue that the warp drive system violates RFC 453446349 anyway and that Starfleet should get rid of the Enterprise and only buy spaceships without proprietary hardware in them. Verdict: Ready real soon now.
6. Windows Every time the Enterprise engages in battle, the ship slows to a crawl and must be restarted. Pressing the intercom button too fast can cause the entire ship to completely lock up. Often, enemies can remotely control the Enterprise and make it send badly spelled messages back to everyone on base and attack other Starfleet vessels. Also, it turns out what everyone thought was warp 5 was just a screensaver. Verdict: Not ready, but funny to watch.
7. OSX The Enterprise destroys the Klingon Empire by dragging it onto the trash icon. Then they spend the next 5 episodes bragging about it until the entire universe hates them. They claim every sci-fi show written since 1966 is a knock-off. Most of the crew grow sideburns which look ridiculous. Verdict: Ready as soon as the crew is done admiring themselves in the mirror.
8. Oracle This is the Enterprise, not the Death Star. Verdict: Vader chokes Kirk who fruitlessly beats on Vader's back with both fists. Baffling.
9. MySQL Spent years denying that the Enterprise existed. Later tries to sneak in the back door in a poorly-fitted uniform that rips in embarrassing places when stressed. Verdict: Ready if your Enterprise is the sort made by Mattel.
10. PostgreSQL If only I'd stored some PostgreSQL jokes in PostgreSQL. Then I'd still have them. Verdict: Ready when you are.
11. .NET The Borg. Verdict: Ready if you want your ass assimilated.
12. Visual Basic The crew sets their phasers on stun and shoot each other over and over and over until you get so bored you switch channels to The Dukes of Hazzard. Verdict: I still have the hots for Daisy.
13. ASP In episode 7, Spock struggles to maintain control of his emotions, at times sobbing uncontrollably. This was caused by ASP. Verdict: Seriously, it makes Mr. Spock cry.

Sulu and Uhura look crazy sexy after a hot bout of ASP coding. Mostly crazy though.